Mega Man Xcel Saga
by ACROSS Operative
Summary: Heaven forbid, it's a Mega Man X and Excel Saga crossover! Revised Chapter 3 up--I made some changes to moronic mistakes. Ilpalazzo announces the new roster, but it seems that ACROSS is being...watched. R&R welcome.
1. I Guess you could Call this a Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Mega Man, Excel Saga, Golden Girls, or any other TV shows or games that appear in this fanfic. I do, however, own this fanfic and all original characters contained within. End disclaimer.  
  
Mega Man X-cel Saga  
  
A Mega Man X/Excel Saga comedic crossover fanfiction By Brett Jordan, aka Zealot Rush  
  
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"I would say, 'Oh God, make it stop!' right about now, but since I'm not a human, I'm not programmed to have any religion. Unfortunately, I was programmed with a mouth that can get infected! So I'll just say, 'Damn it! This hurts like a bitch!'. *ahem* Damn it! This hurts like a bitch!"  
  
Zero said this between clenched teeth as his hand grasped his red metal-covered jaw in pain. Despite the fact that he is a robot, he still is required to brush his teeth twice a day, as well as floss and use that infernal Listerine. Unfortunately for him, he was too busy sparring with the simulation Mavericks in the Maverick Hunter Training Center. So, one day, Lifesavor's right-hand oral specialist (Not THAT kind of oral, you sick freak!), Toothpullor, noticed that Zero was in pain. So, he decided to take a look. As it turned out, Zero had gingivitis, 18 cavities, and the infamous Maverick, Plaque Protozoa, in his mouth. (X was happy, because he killed Plaque Protozoa and got the special weapon Tartar Cannon.)  
  
Still clutching his mouth, Zero trudged inside the barracks room where X and Zero lived, then laid down in his bunk bed.  
  
X was sitting on the couch, watching The Golden Girls, dying out laughing.  
  
"You know that's 'television for women'," Zero painfully informed X.  
  
"So? Alia watches the 'New' TNN, and that's 'the first network for men'," X countered. Afterwards he turned back to the TV to watch the show some more...  
  
***************  
  
"I cannot believe Ma had a car wreck," Dorothy despairingly said.  
  
"You know, this reminds me of an old St.Olaf folk tale," Rose suggested.  
  
"Oh, GOD! How can you be so cruel?!"  
  
"That's exactly what it's about! It's about how Googley the Grasshopper talked to God when his friend Bhlurghenflocken the Bunny got torn up by a wolf!"  
  
***************  
  
Zero HATED The Golden Girls. He leaped out of his bed and snatched the remote and turned it to a random channel.  
  
"Hey!" X exclaimed as the TV Guide channel scrolled by.  
  
"Let's see if something GOOD is on, OK? I'm not in the best of moo-"  
  
Just then, the resounding GRRSH of twisting metal was heard from the main control room.  
  
"What the hell was that?!" Zero yelled as he stormed out of the barracks, with X following closely behind, running down the hallways to the main control room.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Y-y-you're NOT Sigma or one of his Mavericks?!?!?!" Alia erupted with the most extreme surprised look on her face as she laid eyes on the intruder. "But that's impossible! We ALWAYS fight Sigma, but not before killing exactly eight Mavericks! That's how it ALWAYS works!" She paused. "Wh-who ARE you then?! You MUST be working for Sigma, because that's the only antagonist we ever face!"  
  
A broad-shouldered, shadowy figure stood in the hole where an odd vehicle had crashed into Maverick Hunter HQ. The figure pointed directly at Alia.  
  
"Sigma was part the name of my sorority back in college, the years I can remember abso-positively nothing about! I serve not my sorority! I only serve one man, and that man is Loooord Ilpalazzo!!!" the figure bursted.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?!" Signas exclaimed as he bursted out of the restroom, a trail of toilet paper on his robotic foot.  
  
"By the express command of Lord Ilpalazzo, I DEMAND that you surrender this fancy-shmancy-techno-doodad-thingy-whatsit-base to the secret ideological organization of ACROSS! For that is what Lord Ilpalazzo has told me to do, and when he tells me to jump...well, I end up falling in a pit! But that has absolutely nothing to do with what I am here for! So surrender this place, NOW!" the figure roared in an exceptionally annoying voice.  
  
"I don't think that's going to happen," Zero stated as he rushed into the room, with X behind him, the swirling aura of his charging X-Buster surrounding him.  
  
"You're one of Sigma's cohorts, I'll bet!" X yelled as he aimed his X- Buster at the shadowy figure.  
  
"For the last time, I don't work for a sorority!" the figure stated. "Now HAND THIS PLACE OVER!!!"  
  
A second figure shyly walked up behind the first and spoke very calmly. "Senior, I don't think these people will just hand this intricate facility over without resistance."  
  
"You DAMN right!" Zero screamed as he drew his Z-saber and leaped up and forward, towards the first shadowy figure. Utilizing an entire life of training, Zero focused his technique and all of his power into every slash. Concentrating, and putting all his might and faith into his Z-saber, he lunged at the figure...  
  
...only to find that X had already shot it with a charged X-Buster shot.  
  
"X, you ALWAYS take all the glory!" Zero said in a tantrum. Then his gingivitis and 18 cavities caught up with him, as he rolled along the ground, at the mercy of his mouth.  
  
"It's time to reveal who you two really are!" X said, as his suit started flashing in all sorts of different colors as he cycled through his weapons to find his Flashlight Blaster, and shot it straight at the two shadows, revealing their true identities.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Excel is blinded and cannot see! Hatchan, make him stop!" Excel yelped as X's Flashlight Blaster shone on her.  
  
Hyatt, always prepared, was wearing sunglasses to shield her eyes from the brilliant power of the F. Blaster. "Oh, I believe his batteries will run out soon..." she said. Exactly 1.24 milliseconds later, X's weapon energy for the F. Blaster ran dry.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Swucha gff," Zero said through his hand, which was covering his ailing mouth. "Tfss wr prbm, wr errays rnn ut uv wuffn unrgy, n I dnf! Hrr ha ha ha!" (To clarify, he said "It's whatcha get!", and "That's your problem, you're always running out of weapon energy, and I don't! So ha ha ha!")  
  
"Well, what's to be expected from a Maverick called 'Luminous Anglerfish'..." X sighed as he switched back to his good old, infinite ammo X-Buster. "'You got Flashlight Blaster!'...phbtt. Couldn't care less. I had already beat Nocturnal Wombat, so I had no use for it anyway."  
  
"Wuhl, durs uhlwus duh truhdishnl rumuch btwun duh uut Muberks..." ("Well, there's always the traditional rematch between the eight Mavericks...")  
  
Alia scowled at Excel and Hyatt. "Well, if you DON'T work for Sigma- which I doubt, because we ALWAYS are supposed to fight him-then why the hell do you want to take over Maverick Hunter Headquarters?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Excel is getting really tired of repeating herself!" Excel told the swirls and spots in her eyes due to the F. Blaster. "Excel feels no need to repeat herself, for you worthless peons are going to become part of ACROSS's grand dominion soon! Hee-yaa!" Excel screamed as she leapt up to an astounding altitude in the air. Then she extended her leg and pointed her foot down towards what she thought was X. "EXCEL KICK!" she screamed.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Holy Hell!" Alia screamed as Excel kicked the self-destruct button on the main computer's control panel.  
  
"Why the hell do we even HAVE a self-destruct button? Just so something like this can happen?!" Signas yelled.  
  
"Oh NOOOOOOO!" X yelled.  
  
"Uf NFFFFFFFFFF!" Zero muffled.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Oh, dear..." Hyatt sighed. "This'll be the 13th time I've died today," she said as she tied a blindfold around her head, waiting for the impending explosion.  
  
"Ya-haa!" Excel screamed, believing that she had won. "You punks are no match for my MAD SKILLZ! Lord Ilpalazzo, your Excel has fulfilled her duty! She has done what you have told her to do!"  
  
The spots were still in front of Excel's eyes, so she didn't know what the hell was going on.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And so, Maverick Hunter HQ was destroyed, and they all died.  
  
But of course, Hyatt is used to being killed, Excel can just be restored by The Great Will of the Macrochasm, and X and Zero have an infinite lives cheat on. So they'll be back..in the next chapter!  
  
*End of Chapter 1*  
  
*******************  
  
OK, I know it was short and pretty damn stupid. But still, review it and tell me how I did. This is my first attempt at humor, and I'm not that good at being funny. 


	2. Unholy Alliances, Dimensional Transporta...

Disclaimer: I do not own Excel Saga, Mega Man X, Diablo II, or whatever else is mentioned in this chapter.  
  
Note from the author: Just consider the first chapter as a prologue. I'm going to put forth more effort in the remainder of this series, so I hope you enjoy it.  
  
Mega Man X-cel Saga  
  
Chapter 2: Unlikely Alliances  
  
**********************  
  
The humble little story begins in Rikdo Koshi's bedroom, where we find him playing a nonexistent sequel of the Mega Man X series (We'll call it Mega Man X -1.)  
  
Playing as Zero, Rikdo makes his way to the boss of the stage, who is known as...Permission-Giving Aardvark! He makes a traditional introduction before beginning the fight, and Rikdo reads it aloud.  
  
"I, Rikdo Koshi, give my permission to pair up Excel Saga and Mega Man X, along with whatever else the author may choose, in a crazy action/comedy crossover fanfiction!"  
  
Aardvark's life bar filled up, and immediately attacked Zero with a stamp. The stamp was Rikdo's red seal of approval...and it killed Zero in one shot!  
  
"Well, they never said THAT would happen on the GameFAQs.com message boards!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(insert Excel Saga opening sequence with X and Zero thrown in at random places here)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Zero...?  
  
...Zero, can you hear me? Please wake up..."  
  
Groaning, Zero opened his eyes. His red armor was now charred black in several places. He struggled to get up as he heard that voice, which sounded ghastly familiar.  
  
"I...Iris?" he sputtered.  
  
"Zero...don't let yourself die..." Iris' voice echoed in the distance.  
  
Zero managed to pull himself to his feet to look for the one he thought he had lost so long ago. However, an ethereal mist surrounded him, obscuring his vision. As he looked, though, he saw a silhouette in the distance.  
  
"Iris! I thought that...that I...!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Zero awoke from his dream quickly as his head was sprayed with water. He looked around to find that he was no longer in the misty place. He then put his face in his palm. "It was only a dream..."  
  
As he looked around, he realized that he was no longer in Maverick Hunter HQ. The main thing he noticed was a square pit in the middle of the floor in front of him.  
  
"I said NO ANCHOVIES..." a regal voice spoke.  
  
Zero glared in the direction from which the voice came. In that direction was a throne, covered in an orange-red cloth. Sitting upon this throne was an intimidating figure, cloaked in a grand silver cape, completely encircling his body, save for his head and a hand, which held a rope extending from the ceiling. A stream of shining silver hair cascaded from his head, adorned in the front with some sort of decorative forehead ornament. His cat-like eyes glared at the pit in the floor through a pair of spectacles.  
  
The kingly man spoke again. "A fine thing, a pizza plagued with anchovies, in my secret headquarters. Our utopia will be devoid of such disgusting toppings!" He shook his head, and then turned in a direction to the left of Zero. "Agent Hyatt, would you be so kind as to give me a mission report?"  
  
"Yes, sir..." a feeble female voice spoke. Zero was still in pain and lying on the ground, unable to get up, but he tried to turn his head to his left. A pair of slender legs reached up to a body outfitted in a rather risque purple, pink, and black outfit. Though her beautiful bluish-purple hair shined, her face was devoid of any expression. "Though it would appear that the building in question has been completely, utterly, thoroughly, totally, absolutely, and positively destroyed, we managed to retrieve some of the occupants of the building," she spoke.  
  
"Very well," replied the man on the throne. "I guess it's better than nothing. Now, for your next assignment...you will go with Agent Excel to get another pizza. And this time, make SURE to get a REAL pizza--like one with turnip greens and chocolate chips."  
  
Zero would have vomited if he was programmed to do so.  
  
"Hail Ilpalazzo..." the feeble voice said unenergetically as she held her hand straight up in the air, fingers extended upward. She then reached between her cleavage (Hey, where else would she put stuff in such a small and tight outfit?) and pulled from within...a Scroll of Town Portal! She then ripped open a blue dimensional rift, from which a blonde girl with a strange green outfit, which was also slightly risque, fell out of at an alarming speed. The impact on the floor shattered some of the tiling. Pieces of it rained down on Zero.  
  
"Wow, Lord Ilpalazzo!" she said through the shards of blue floor in her mouth. As she spat them out, she continued. "The pit seemed not to end today! In fact, were it not for the obscure Diablo II item appearance, I fear I never would have stopped!"  
  
"Would you like to find out if it really does end?" this 'Lord Ilpalazzo' sitting on the throne inquired as the grabbed the rope hanging from the ceiling again.  
  
"Well, Ha-chan, I think the pizza place closes in an hour, sowegottagetgoingnowOKTHANKSBYE!!" the blonde girl exclaimed as she grabbed this 'Ha-chan' and dragged her out of the room hastily.  
  
Consciousness started to drain from Zero's body. The explosion he had been in was quite a marvelous one, as Maverick Hunter HQ doesn't skimp when it comes to self-destruction mechanisms. Unable to keep his eyes open, he blacked out.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Thirty minutes later...  
  
Zero finally regained all of his consciousness. As he hopped back up to his feet, he saw a familiar blue metallic hand tap him on the shoulder.  
  
"X! Where is this place?" Zero asked.  
  
"Beats the hell out of me..." X responded.  
  
"I know where we are!" said Alia as she recovered her consciousness and made her way over to the two Hunters. "We HAVE to be in Sigma's ultimate cyber-fortress! I'll bet he's just itching to kill us, and he wants to scratch that itch! It's like we're a histamine reaction or something!"  
  
"I don't know..." said Signas as he appeared out of nowhere. "Sigma has better taste than this." This prompted the other Maverick Hunters to take a look around the place.  
  
"Yeah," Zero agreed. "Sigma may be a completely evil bad-guy trying to destroy the world, but you can't deny his 1337 interior decorating skillz..."  
  
"Yup...these blue tiles sure are fugly..." X observed.  
  
"And those pillars are so last millenia," Alia noted.  
  
"And those curtains are so out-of-place..." Signas said.  
  
"And I'm Nabeshin!"  
  
The Maverick Hunters turned to the odd, afro-wearing man who made this comment. He had a goofy smile on his face. "But you don't care, so I'm leaving!" With that, he pulled out a Scroll of Town Portal, used it, and took his leave.  
  
"You seem not to realize that I'm sitting right here..." the kingly figure on the throne noted, which nobody but Zero had noticed until this point.  
  
X turned and pointed his X-buster at him. "And just who the hell are you?!"  
  
Alia slapped X upside the head.  
  
"OW!" X yelped.  
  
"You moron! Can't you figure out that THAT's Sigma! It couldn't possibly be anyone else!" Alia blurted. However, she seemed unsure of herself. "But...if that's Sigma--which he without a doubt IS!--what about the mandatory 8 Mavericks we have to kill? Then the final levels, then the rematch between the 8 Mavericks?!"  
  
X returned the hit to Alia with his X-buster arm (Note that he didn't actually shoot her, just smacked her in the head). "Don't REMIND him! I HATE fighting ALL 8 Mavericks ALL OVER again! It's, like, repetitive and redundant! Not only that, it's, like, repetitive and redundant!"  
  
"SILENCE!" roared the kingly figure.  
  
"You know, yelling 'silence' is...an oxymoron, or something." Signas replied. "But nevermind that! Tell us your name, so the writer won't have to keep referring to you as 'kingly figure'!"  
  
With a dramatic close-up of his cape flowing around him as he spun, the kingly figure ("ARGH" -Signas) struck a dramatic pose, with his hand covering his mouth as she spoke. "I...am...Lord Ilpalazzo! The Great Leader of the Organization for the Promotion of the Institutionalization of the [Supreme Ideological] Ideal [On Earth]...ACROSS!!!"  
  
The four Maverick Hunters (well, Alia and Signas aren't Maverick Hunters, but I count them anyway) stared at him. There was silence, save for the cliche chirping cricket.  
  
"...and you four are the newest members!"  
  
X, Zero, and Alia gasped. Signas actually said, "Gasp!"  
  
"Now just a damn minute!" Zero protested. "Who the hell said that we want to join this...whatever the hell you just said?!"  
  
"And why aren't you Sigma?!" Alia questioned. "Oh...wait...you must be under Sigma's control! Just like that easily-forgettable Dr. Doppler! You can't fool us, I know Sigma's behind your every move!"  
  
Lord Ilpalazzo sighed and shrugged his shoulders, which was a daunting task, considering his gigantic cape. "Considering the fact that your secret base is destroyed, do you really have any alternatives than to join the ranks of the Organization for the Promotion of the Institutionalization of the [Supreme Ideological] Ideal [On Earth] ACROSS?"  
  
The four Hunters started discussing the myriad of answers to that question.  
  
"I mean, joining ACROSS has great benefits...401K, health and dental plans..."  
  
Like an onstage cue, the mention of 'dental plans' sparked the pain in Zero's mouth to catch up with him. He cringed as he became conscious that he had 18 cavities again. However, he still wasn't interested in joining this ACROSS thing.  
  
"...and you each get a *laminated* ACROSS ID card!"  
  
"WE'RE IN!!!" all four of them screamed in unison.  
  
"Good!" Ilpalazzo beamed as another rope lowered from the ceiling. "Just sign this tiny bit of paperwork, and you'll be good to go." He then yanked the rope, and a mountain of paper cascaded from the ceiling, crushing the Maverick Hunters beneath it.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Welcome to Peachy Pete's Peachy Pizza Plaza..." a zit-riddled, nasal-voiced teenager with thick coke-bottle glasses moaned unemotionally from behind the counter of said eating facility.  
  
"I WANT A SUPER PEACHY PIZZA WITH ALL THE TOPPINGS!!!" the blonde...oh, hell, you should know her name...Excel said.  
  
"Except no anchovies..." Hyatt added.  
  
"OK, I already have one made..." the greasy teen responded. He reached in his apron and pulled out a Scroll of Town Portal, used it, and went inside.  
  
Five minutes later, he came back with the pizza.  
  
"I always keep stuff like this in my Stash," he said.  
  
"WOW!" Excel said in awe of the mighty pizza. "They don't hold back, do they? Wait, what's this?" Excel pointed at a a glowing blue mushroom.  
  
"Well, let's find out, Senior," Hyatt said as she pulled yet another Scroll of Town Portal from her cleavage (heh) and used it. Excel followed Hyatt through it and brought the pizza with her.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Whether Excel and Hyatt went to Rogue Encampment, Lut Gholein, Kurast, Pandemonium Fortress, or Harrogath is open for interpretation.  
  
"Good to see you!" Deckard Cain said cheerfully in his ol' man voice.  
  
"IDENTIFY THIS!" Excel screamed.  
  
"Well, that mushroom makes this a Lizard's Large Pizza of the Jackal. +5 to Life and +5 to Mana when you eat it," Cain observed.  
  
And then Excel and Hyatt were gone back through the portal.  
  
Cain sighed. "I TRY to be nice to them, but all they ever say is 'Identify this, identify that.' Never just want to sit down and talk. I should start charging for identification again. I could finally retire for the two years I have left in my life."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Excel and Hyatt arrived back at the pizza place. They paid for the pizza (Yes, they actually have money!) and left for the secret headquarters.  
  
*********************  
  
Yeah, I know this is a bad stopping place, but I'm getting a bit tired of typing right now. So, did I make an improvement over Chapter 1? Do you like the story so far? Any constructive criticism? Please R & R! 


	3. An Eye for an Eye And a Crossover for a ...

Disclaimer: Disclaimers at the top of every chapter are annoying. I've already disclaimed stuff twice; I don't see it necessary to disclaim again.  
  
Chapter III: An Eye for an Eye (and a Crossover for a Crossover)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Bleak, dismal, hopeless...all these words describe this corrupted society. Larceny, murder, rape, the English Yu-Gi-Oh anime, French class...the list of vile, contemptible things goes on and on. It pains me greatly to see the common people degrade in moral and social values every passing day...which is why we, ACROSS, must rightfully conquer this city! To liberate the masses! To forge a utopian empire! THAT is our duty as ACROSS!"  
  
Upon the conclusion of Lord Ilpalazzo's articulate speech, the sound of a lone cricket could be heard inside ACROSS's hallways.  
  
"...you are supposed to HAIL me now!" Ilpalazzo said, pissed, as he looked down upon his four new recruits for his understaffed cult: X, Zero, Alia, and Signas. Each of them looked at each other, confused.  
  
"...here, let me show you how it's done," Ilpalazzo sighed. With that, he rose from his throne and turned his back to the former Maverick Hunters. Then he thrust his hand into the air, fingers extended, and shouted, "Hail Ilpalazzo!" Then he turned to face his underlings. "Now, repeat."  
  
"Not on your life," Zero mumbled.  
  
Ilpalazzo fell silent. After a moment, he continued speaking. "Well...if you will not hail by your will, then I have the means of coaxing you. I feel the readers have been...waiting for this to happen." As Ilpalazzo finished his sentence, 'the rope' lowered from the ceiling.  
  
Zero and the others looked inquisitively at the rope. X questioned its power. "What are you gonna do, drop anvils on our heads?  
  
"...more like drop your heads on anvils," Ilpalazzo said, as he pulled the rope sending the four former Maverick Hunters for a long fall. About a minute later, balls of light started to emanate from the pits.  
  
"ULTRA KILL!" the Unreal Tournament announcer yelled from out of nowhere.  
  
Ilpalazzo chuckled. "Wow. They actually DIED. A pity."  
  
No sooner had he said this that the word 'Ready' appeared out of nowhere, and the four new recruits beamed back in from the sky.  
  
"I hope that now you will see things my way?" Ilpalazzo asked.  
  
Conceding, X, Zero, Alia, and Signas thrust their hands into the air, shouting, "Hail Ilpalazzo!"  
  
"Good!" Ilpalazzo said cheerfully. "Now, as soon as Excel and Hyatt get back with that pizza, I will announce the new roster."  
  
*******************  
  
Little did the five know that they were being...watched. For within the halls of ACROSS's secret underground headquarters, an unseen eye watched the happenings of the organization.  
  
"So...they have recruited new, competent agents. It was fortunate that the Protoss lent me this Observer so I could see what they were doing at all times."  
  
Doctor Kabapu watched ACROSS's base from a monitor on his desk. He stroked his mustache anxiously. However, he stroked it once too many times, and it fell to the floor.  
  
"Argh!" he yelled.  
  
"Allow me to get that for you, sir..." a corny voice mumbled from the shadows.  
  
A tall figure cloaked in the shadows of Kabapu's office, which had its lights turned off for no apparent reason other than to set the mood. The figure was ominous, and...bald(dead giveaway on who it is!!).  
  
"Ah, if you would be so kind, my dear friend-"  
  
The sound of a ferociously loud 18-wheeler horn from the nearby highway blocked out the utterance of the mystery man's name.  
  
The shadowed man picked Kabapu's mustache off of the floor and stuck it back on Kabapu's face.  
  
"Yes, thank you. Now, would you be so willing as to tell me how your plan is going?" Kabapu inquired.  
  
"With pleasure," the shadowed man responded. "I have completed one of my exactly eight anti-ACROSS combat machines. WOrk is being initiated on the second one as we speak."  
  
"Good!" Kabapu said gleefully, as he turned back to the screen. "No matter who you hire, you will never take my precious city, you bastards...speaking of which, what ARE those bastards sitting there doing nothing for?" Kabapu noticed that ACROSS was, in fact, sitting there collecting dust. This was because they were waiting for...  
  
****************  
  
Excel and Hyatt stepped back as they watched the two ninjas stare each other down.  
  
Yes, indeed, their valuable magic pizza became a target for collectors. The two girls had already evaded about 8 PKs since they left Peachy Pete's, and now they were getting attacked by a pair of ninjas. But these weren't just your run-of-the-mill, everyday common ninja. These were female ninjas. Not only that, these were exceptionally sexy female ninjas. Not only THAT, these were exceptionally sexy female ninjas from two rival fighting games.  
  
"I saw that pizza first!" said the ninja with the tighter-than-her-own-skin red leotard that left absolutely nothing to the imagination, Taki. "That pizza's mushrooms might have fragments of Soul Edge in them!"  
  
"Is that right?" asked the ninja with the impossibly purple hair, Ayane. "Well...uh...hm...I can trade that pizza for an Arkaine's Valor AND a Windforce AND 14 SoJs!"  
  
"If you want this amazingly powerful pizza..." Taki began, "...you must duel me!"  
  
"Fine then!" Ayane agreed, as she dashed towards Taki. Taki began to brace herself for the oncoming assault.  
  
Just as Ayane got about 3 feet away from Taki, she stopped. Then she took a deep breath and stuck her chest out as far as she could. Taki, in response, did the same. The two assassins stared at each other's breasts for a minute, and then Taki fell to her knees.  
  
"I cannot believe this...your boobs ARE bigger than mine!" Taki admitted in defeat.  
  
"I knew it all along. You Soul Calibur bitches can't possibly compare to us," Ayane said proudly.  
  
Taki, however, glanced back up at Ayane. "But there's one advantage I have, and that's a SERIOUS fighting engine!" With that, Taki began to 8-way Run Ayane into confusion before unleashing her A,B,4+B+K combo on the rival ninja, sending her flying 50 feet into the air. Taki then proceeded to juggle Ayane until she was KO'd.  
  
"The gameplay comes BEFORE the sex appeal!" Taki said with a sneer. "Now, for that-hey, where'd those two go?!"  
  
Sure enough, Excel and Hyatt were long gone.  
  
***************  
  
Ilpalazzo looked up from his book, entitled "Creating and Becoming the Leader of a Utopian Society for Dummies", to find that Excel and Hyatt had returned with the pizza. He looked at them with a vicious hunger in his eyes.  
  
"Excellent! Bring the pizza to me," he ordered.  
  
"With PLEASURE, sir!!" Excel responded, as she skipped over to her Lord gleefully, and bowing before him as she held the pizza out to him. Ilpalazzo accepted the pizza from his most devoted operative and opened the box. Despite the fact that the pizza had been in that geeky teen's Stash for God-knows-how-long, it was warm and fresh. The aroma of the pizza washed over his face, whetting his appetite even further. Without hesitation or a thanks to his loyal underlings, he took a piece of the pizza and ate it down disturblingly fast, almost swallowing the thing in a single bite. He took a moment to savor the pizza, but noticed something was a bit wrong. He leered at Excel with those evil catlike eyes.  
  
"Where. Are. The. Chocolate. Chips!!" Ilpalazzo roared, each word so stressed and forced that it sounded like a different sentence each time, just like I typed it.  
  
"Oh, uh, well, uh, y'see, the-uh-the pizza, and, uh, Stash, and, uh, voluptuous ninjas, and, uhhHHHHHWWwAAAAAA!!!" Excel's voice echoed through the pit as her ungrateful Lord sent her plummeting through it with the yank of a rope. Oddly enough, only one pit opened this time, whereas the same rope opened four pits earlier on this chapter.  
  
"A member of ACROSS-even the latrine orderly-should be able to dispatch any number of petty ninjas...even if their cup size goes all the way to the hypothetical size of R!" Ilpalazzo declared, as he took another slice of the pizza, which he would have to settle for without the chocolate chips. Stuffing it in his mouth, he started speaking. "Nfrphtphh, mrft shrer urnucne tffh phpthlls-"  
  
"Uh, Lord Ilparablos or whatever your name is...could you try speaking without your mouth full of-WHOAAAAAAAAAHHH!" X tried to say, but he was cut short by Ilpalazzo yanking the exact same rope he did a two paragraphs ago to send him soaring down another pit. It also sent Excel falling back down her pit, as she was just getting a leg up on the edge of the floor to get out of the pit.  
  
"I will not be educated in the frivolous art of MANNERS by my own sla--er, agents," Ilpalazzo declared after swallowing his second slice of pizza. "Now, as I was saying before I was so RUDELY (extreme emphasis) interrupted, I shall now assign the new roster and position assignments. First, we have the position of Senior Officer, which will be appointed to...Hyatt!"  
  
As everybody looked towards Hyatt, with the exceptions of X and Excel, they all rose an eyebrow. Hyatt had, of all things, a plunger. And she was using it on her mouth. Once, twice, three times she pumped it. On the fourth time, the plunger flew from her hands, and an explosion of blood gushed forth from her mouth. Catching her breath, she looked up at Ilpalazzo. "Please...*cough*excuse me...I*cough cough* had a clogged throat..."  
  
Keeping a poker face, Ilpalazzo said, "It's alright."  
  
"Thank you...*cough wheeze cough*Lord Ilpalazzo, sir...*cough cough death*"  
  
"Moving on," Ilpalazzo said, "the position of Primary Assault Combatant is assigned to...Zero! And as Secondary Support Combatant...X!"  
  
Zero struck a 'cool thumbs-up' pose with a gleam in his eyes. "All right! Take THAT, X!"  
  
Climbing out of the pit, X spat. "No fair, dammit! I'm the one who should be Primary Assault Combatant!"  
  
"I'm the stronger and higher ranked Hunter!" Zero retaliated.  
  
"Psh, we're not even IN the Hunters anymore! Besides, if it weren't for me, your sorry ass would've been dead!"  
  
"The same to you! I saved your ass in the very first level of the very first Mega Man X!!"  
  
Ilpalazzo would not tolerate altercations between his new recruits. You can guess what he did to put an end to it. And he did the same to Excel, just as she was getting out of the pit...again.  
  
"Next," Ilpalazzo said, "as the position of Defcon 1 Emergency Nourishment Source...Mince!!"  
  
"Sir?" Hyatt asked.  
  
"Yes, Hyatt?"  
  
"I thought that her name was 'Menchi'..."  
  
"Well...that depends. Is this fanfiction based on the Anime or the Manga moreso?"  
  
From out of absolutely nowhere, I--that's ME, the one typing this sentence--appear out of thin air. I point to Nabeshin fighting off Puuchuus with the style of Dante from Devil May Cry (the first one, not the lame excuse for a sequel).  
  
"Ah, thanks," Ilpalazzo said. "I stand corrected. Her name IS Menchi."  
  
Then I disappear.  
  
"Next, we have Informations Analyst and All-around Smart Person...Alia!" Ilpalazzo announced.  
  
"Good!"Alia beamed. "I will assure you that I will find methods of Sigma-proofing this place! Don't you worry!"  
  
"Finally," Ilpalazzo said, "we have Latrine Orderly...Excel!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Excel?" Ilpalazzo called.  
  
"Oh, I'm alright!" Excel called from out of the pit. "I just stepped on a highly poisonous Cone Shell in the ocean you threw me into, that's all!"  
  
"Very well," Ilpalazzo sighed. "That is all. You are now dismissed until the next chapter."  
  
"Wait a damn minute!" Signas shouted. "What about me?!"  
  
"Oh, yes..." Ilpalazzo said, grinning. "I read that you were a 'Leader-type person' back in your days as a Maverick Hunter. Being as that we already have one of those-namely, myself-I have decided that ACROSS has no need for you!" With this, Ilpalazzo yanked the rope, sending Signas on a long fall. Unlike usual, however, the pit door closed before Signas got out of the pit. It was clear that he wasn't getting out of there.  
  
***************  
  
Kabapu watched and heard this whole exchange through his expenditure of 25 minerals and 75 Gas. He put his hands together, intertwining his fingers, and laughed softly.  
  
"So, now the real battle begins...right, my best friend-  
  
A coincedental nuclear strike in the nearby ocean prevented the mention of the stranger's name from being heard.  
  
"Yes...the second one is complete, and the other six should be done by the next chapter..."  
  
Then they both started laughing maniacally.  
  
***************  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"I wonder if I could train myself to use my nipples as weapons?" Taki thought.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
End Chapter III  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
OK, I'm pretty proud of this chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviewed for your positive feedback and encouragement to quit procrastinating and get this chapter done. I'm going to learn to quit procrastinating--maybe in a few years or so. But more feedback is still welcome! Chapter 4 will be up sometime within the next few weeks to a month or so. 


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